I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
