I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
