My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
