when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
