the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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