i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
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