i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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