"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Randomize
