what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
