she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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