my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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