i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
