so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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