my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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