Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
