She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
