so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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