Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I am available for nakedness
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
