I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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