Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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