Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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