I wish life had little blips of pornography
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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