Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
