i permit you to call me
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
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