omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
