Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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