So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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