You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
