It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
