checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
