So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
