just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
