i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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