i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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