i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
