Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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