We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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