Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
