I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
