My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
She's the barista slut.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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