I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
