Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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