we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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