That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Buhtt sex?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
