ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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