Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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