I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
soo... how was my night?
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