I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
