I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Every concussion has its silver lining
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
