i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
