every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
